Feb 272014

If you missed this weeks Funny People with Mark Ure then you missed some new stories. This one’s about Trevor.


Trevor opened his eyes and looked around the room. He didn’t know where he was. The small room had Milky Way wrappers for wallpaper and the carpet was made of Tic-Tac tiles. Trevor tried to get up off the floor but he couldn’t, he was chained to the Hobknob radiator.

“Just stay where you are.”

The voice startled Trevor, he hadn’t noticed anyone in the room with him but when he looked around, he saw that sitting on the small Mint Aero couch was a Toffee Crisp with a face.
“Where am I? What are you?”
The Toffee Crisp with a face sat forward on the couch, his little toffee toes sliding across the floor, and spoke in a Scottish accent.
“Toffee Crisp mate, you?”
“Trevor, a man.”
Trevor didn’t know what was going on, did he really just talk to a Toffee Crisp?
“So have you got a name?”
“Aye, Toffee.”
“Toffee the Toffee Crisp? That’s your name?”
“Aye, got a problem with that?”
“Good, is Trevor your real name?”
“Weird name.”

Toffee stood up and walked to the chocolate finger door.
“C’mon, follow me.”
Trevor followed Toffee down a long corridor for what felt like hours. Trevor guessed they had travelled at least 10 miles. The corridor was decorated like the room, Bounty wrappers for wallpaper and a rolling floor made fromMaltesers. They finally stopped at a space where a door should have been, instead of a door there was hanging beads made from Minstrels. Toffee stood to one side and told Trevor to enter.
There was sweets with faces everywhere. The room was massive, it didn’t seem to end. Over in one corner Trevor spotted a Kit-Kat chatting up a Walnut Whip, they looked like they were having a good time. Toffee poked him in the back with his wrapper hand and told him to keep moving.
Trevor felt like he was in Willy Wonka’s factory. He seen everyone as he walked through the room, the only one to speak to him was Freddy the Freddo who complained that nobody wanted him now he cost 20p.
Toffee led Trevor to the back of the room and through a small arch made of Terry’s Chocolate Orange. On the other side was a dressing room.
The room was empty apart from a packet of Hubba Babba who was putting some make up on. Toffee chucked a set of clothes at Trevor.
“Put that on and come join me in the Kinder hot tub.”
Trevor looked at what he had been handed: a green and silver tracksuit and a green foil hat.
“I don’t understand Toffee Crisp face thing, what’s going on, where am I?”
“You’re one of us now, get your gear on.”
“One of you? What does that mean?”
Toffee looked Trevor in the eye.
“You’re the replacement, Trebor got sacked, you’re Trevor Softmints now.”